After years of studying the sexual behavior and family decision-making of young Americans, I've come to the conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex but are becoming slow and lax about marriage—that more significant, enduring witness to Christ's sacrificial love for his bride. Americans are taking flight from marriage. We are marrying later, if at all, and having fewer children.
If you haven't read this article before, I suggest you check it out on their website.
My opinion? Well, as someone who has been living in the Middle East for a few years, I have seen this happen pretty frequently, so the idea of getting married early is not as strange or uncomfortable as it probably would be to most Westerners. In the cases I've seen, usually the woman is ten, even twenty years younger than the man she is marrying. I had a neighbor upstairs in my apartment building in Jordan that had married her husband at the age of fourteen. One of my good friends down the road was married and had a newborn before her twentieth birthday. This is... well, I was going to say normal, but that's not quite right. Maybe "not unusual" would be a better way to put it. And this is how it's been done traditionally for millennia. Most Christian scholars would agree that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was probably in her teens, and Joseph was significantly older. Why? Because older men have had a chance to work hard, accumulate wealth, and build a home to show that they can provide for their families. Biologically, it makes sense. However, in a culture such as ours, we have completely discarded the idea of early marriage to dissuade sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage. Why? Well, the biggest argument I've heard is that young people (men in particular) are not "ready" to tie the knot, or that so-and-so "just hasn't found the right 'one' yet." How is that counter-culture? Aren't we supposed to live in the world, but not be of it? Because, to me, that sounds like the same thing that the rest of the Western world is spewing, and I, for one, and not buying it. I'm not saying we ALL need to get married early, but the church needs to drastically change the way it regards marriage if it wants to commit to staying biblical in this arena.
I've probably opened up a HUGE can of worms here, but what are your thoughts on early marriage? Just to give y'all a heads up, I was married at 22 and had my first child at 23, which DEFINITELY falls below national averages. Did you, or someone you knew, get married pretty early?
6 comments:
My mother had Alyson before she was 20, and she is one of the most capable women I've met.
However, in a culture such as ours, we have completely discarded the idea of early marriage to dissuade sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage.
I think that this is accurate and pretty unfortunate. It seems to be due to general self-centeredness on the part of western men as well as an easy, consequence-free attitude that has become the new standard re: premarital sex.
Well, the biggest argument I've heard is that young people (men in particular) are not "ready" to tie the knot, or that so-and-so "just hasn't found the right 'one' yet."
I think modern society has had a particularly damaging effect on men. They have become infantized and coddled into self-centered boys that are lacking in personal integrity. That's part of the reason why I am so grateful that I was expected to 'do my duty' and serve two years in abject poverty where I was pretty much cut off from any modern entertainment and committed to be with another companion for 24 hours a day. Compared to my mission, marriage is a piece of cake.
The second part of your comment may be true for women (there are so many more good women out there than good men, unfortunatly), but the idea somebody hasn't found 'The One' is in my opinion another very immature and self-centered delusion reinforced by modern fatalistic romcoms made worse by the manifold examples set before us of selfish divorce that disillusions many.
In any case, I think it's a challenge in a world that has divorced sex from marrige, marriage from sex, sex from childbearing and childbearing from sex; for parents to raise good, principled children who are both prepared and willing to live up to the comandments to not be alone/uncommitted and to replenish and multiply. It's a challenge, but certainly worth the effort no matter the cost.
Interesting thoughts, and sorry for the long comment.
Thanks Joe, I think you made some good points.
Firstly, society HAS given us an unrealistic picture of how marriage should be, when it should occur, etc., and the Christian community has done a terrible job of counteracting that. We start learning about sex pretty early on (I think I was about 10?), but I don't think I ever heard a single thing about sex from the church beyond "don't do it til your married." Thankfully, I had parents who were willing to go a little deeper than that.
Secondly, "happiness" is not something that is promised to those of us who have entered a covenant of marriage, either in Scripture or in our marital vows, yet we seem to think that it's a given. I think you would like the Anglican's 1662 liturgy for entering Holy Matrimony. Yep, not one word about happiness, and I think their priorities were in better order then than they are now.
I got married at 18 and Al was 25. Sounds like we're the "norm" with the rest of the world. We're going on 7 years. Though no kids yet, but it's not because we're preventing it, just not God's timing yet.
This article came out this morning on foxnews.com talks about early marriage due to pastors/priests encouraging young couples to marry as to not have premarital sex.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,538701,00.html?test=latestnews
Random info: Regnerus is actually the son of Abu Tulip's former pastor.
We got married at 22 and 23. 9 years married now and 3 kids.
I've had several relevant conversations lately. One was at a wedding. The couple is about the same age (mid 20s) and the people at the wedding thought it strange the man was so young. Another is a friend being pursued by a man the same age as her (again, mid 20s). They're not sure if the family will go for it as he is young. In the Arab world it seems fine for a woman to be young, but there is a lot of pressure for the man to be older and have accumulated a lot of wealth. Abu Tulip has several friends who want to marry (early 30s) but simply cannot afford to, yet. People here are very surprised Abu Tulip married so young. We did wait until both of us had completed our Master's Degrees to have children, but I'm very glad we got married when we did. Last conversation worth mentioning was with a Western friend who lives with her boyfriend. She was asking me a lot about my relationship with my hubby, and finally asked quite frankly, if part of the reason we got married so early was for sex. I told her, of course! Although the idea of waiting until marriage is absurd to her, she was thrilled to finally hear a Christian couple admit that part of the reason they married 'early' was for sex. She feels Christians skirt around the issue too much. Of course it never seemed early to me at the time, but I've realized now that it was early compared to many Westerners.
Lots of good points. Thanks for bringing up the topic. ~ Um Tulip
Lisa, thanks for the link and your thoughts. I had forgotten how young you were when y'all got married!
Um Tulip, yes, we should be honest when people ask us why we get married early. Sex is part of it definitely, especially if we take what the Bible says seriously.
Regarding Abu Tulip's friend who wants to get married "early," I think that has to do with the ME concept of marriage and children going hand-in-hand, and the necessity of the man being able to accumulate enough wealth to provide for a family. In general, people over here don't get married and wait five or six years before having kids (unless they've been brought up in a more Western environment). One of my (American) friends here just got married to an Arab man, and she said she lost track of how many people told her, "Inshallah, you will have a child by this time next year."
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